How to get someone to open up

We’ve all had experiences of suspecting that all is not well with someone we care about. We desperately want to help them, but whenever we try to talk to them they just clam up and say nothing is wrong and they’re fine – although we’re pretty sure they’re not.

A lot of people are struggling on their own with different things at the moment. Whether that be job security, money or something else. So how do we get our loved ones to open up to us?

This week’s tip is a blueprint for success. However, you must follow it to the letter if you truly want the best for them.

First, find an appropriate time to speak. Not during their favourite TV programme or while they’re reading.

Then, make sure you’re in an appropriate place where it’s just the two of you. Neutral territory where it’s quiet and you won’t be overheard.

Next ask open questions that require a full answer – not “are you ok?” or “is there something wrong”. Also never start a question with “Why?” it can be taken as accusatory and put them on the defensive. Try “What’s on your mind?” or “How can I help you at the moment?”

Then close your mouth and listen – NO, I mean REALLY listen. Keep your opinions, thoughts and advice to yourself. Believe me; they are not wanted at this stage. Resist saying “I know how you feel” because you could never know exactly how they are feeling and it will only serve to make them angry and withdraw again.

Once they’ve answered a question and you’ve listened intently, ask more questions and listen more. Again resist the urge to offer any thoughts, opinions or advice. Repeat this step until they have got everything off their chest.

Let them know that your support is always available. If they then ask for your opinion or advice, now is the time to give it. If they don’t, then just know that they are grateful that you took time to REALLY listen to them.

You may need to read this tip a few times and fully master it before trying it with a real person!

Ask Yourself Better Questions

This week’s tip comes from the mental file called “Why are the simple ones usually the most powerful?”

When I work one to one with people, often I’ll offer a free initial session – what I call “coffee and a chat”. It’s a great opportunity for someone to come over without pressure or financial commitment, let me know what’s going on in their life, see if I’m the right person to help them and ask me as many questions as they want. I think it’s vitally important that someone should feel completely comfortable, at ease and confident before they decide to work with me.

Quite often, when it comes to them asking me questions, those questions will be a reflection of what they have been asking themselves for a long time. We constantly ask ourselves questions in our own minds, I call it internal dialogue or that voice in our heads.

The questions, after the “can you help me?” one, usually carry a similar theme. “Why am I like this? Why can’t I just….? What stops me being/doing………..?” Now, if you stop for a minute and really pay attention to the question, you will see that there is only one type of answer you can get. If you ask “Why can’t I ….?” the only answer you can come to is a list of all the things that keep you trapped where you don’t want to be.  Almost confirming to yourself that you are destined to be stuck with that issue for ever.

However, when you start your question with “So, how can I……?”  You will immediately notice something different happening. Your mind suddenly turns into solutions mode and starts seeking out answers to the question. Try it now; I know it might appear too simple that’s why it’s so powerful!

Find a negative question that you’ve been asking yourself and substitute it for one starting “How can I ….?” or “What could I do differently in order to…..?” Notice how the solutions come easily to you.

Keep practicing those better questions, have fun and enjoy the power of the answers.

Let the Music Lift You Up

Most of us have been there. Driving to work in the cold and rain, fed up, tired through lack of sleep, wishing we could be going anywhere other than where we are headed – and then something almost magical happens.

Suddenly, on the radio, you hear a familiar tune. Your mood lifts instantly as you find yourself singing along, huge smile on your face, energised and completely oblivious to anyone or anything else. If it’s a song from the past you may find memories of a particular time come flooding back even though you hadn’t consciously thought of them for years.  It might be a holiday song, the first dance from your wedding or just one of those songs that you and your friends always had to dance and sing along to.

You see, our minds are amazing things. Especially the “unconscious” part of our minds, it’s almost like a huge computer hard drive. All our memories, everything we’ve ever seen, heard, felt or experienced are all filed away ready for when we need them. Those memories can lie dormant for years until we hear, see or even smell something that stimulates our unconscious mind. I was glossing a radiator this week (don’t ask!) and the smell triggered a memory of painting a model of Henry VIII with my Mum for a school history project over 25 years ago. A bizarre memory that made me smile, I could picture every minute detail of the model.

So with that knowledge in hand, how can we use it to our advantage? How can we give ourselves an instant mood lift when we need it most?

This week’s tip is simple and yet so effective.

Make a list of songs and/or pieces of music that either take you back to fantastically happy times or just generally make you feel good the instant you hear them. Then gather them all together and add them to your mp3 player, make a CD or if you’re feeling really nostalgic – a tape.

Keep them with you at all times and whenever you feel like you need a change, or lift, of mood simply press “play”, turn up the volume, sing as though nobody is watching and enjoy.

Learn to love yourself, so that others can too

I had lunch recently with a female friend of mine. We were chatting and eating when she confided in me that she hated other women.

Shocked, I asked her what she meant, surely she didn’t hate everyone?!

She said she actively looks for flaws when she meets other women. Her internal dialogue is an endless cycle of put-downs, designed it appears, to make her feel better about herself. As we talked more we came to the conclusion that she didn’t hate other women. She hated herself and her inadequacies, real or imagined. By always comparing herself to other women and pointing out their flaws, she could deflect her low body image onto others.

You might say that if it makes her feel happier, why not let her be?

That’s the question – is she happier? She confessed that she isn’t.

Every day she ends up more and more insecure, forever looking for the validation that neither she – nor anyone – should need. It seems that many people face such body image problems. So how do we start to get rid of such negativity and destructiveness – for good?

Accept that we’re all created differently.

Each person was created in a different size and shape. What’s beautiful and what isn’t is also a matter of different perspectives. You can’t influence peoples’ opinions because it’s all about how they see things. Know that it’s this kind of diversity that makes the human race so fascinating.

Put things in perspective.

Know your attributes, and accept your flaws. Relish them because they make you unique. Understand what you can change about yourself and accept what you cannot. If you decide that there is something you can change then fine, start now! Action is power.

Finally, stop competing with others and challenge yourself instead When we compare ourselves to others there can only be one result. There will always be someone in the world better than us. You can never really win. Instead, accept what you do have and strive to just be a better version of you. Notice how great you feel as you keep winning against the old you.

Get Better Sleep – free online course

Today I launch my free online course called “Get Better Sleep”. It seems more and more people are struggling to sleep these days, something I know only too well after struggling for years. However, from that experience, my training and subsequently working successfully with people on a one to one basis I’ve finally put a course together to help as many people as I can. I’m fine now by the way and will be sharing all the techniques that worked for me and loads more.

My aim this year is to give as much as possible away for free. Last month it was a relaxation recording (which you can still get from my website if you’d like it), this month it’s my “Get Better Sleep” programme. My accountant is going nuts! He doesn’t understand me like my last one, I miss him very much.

On my website it says that I’m only giving it free to the first 50 people that apply. However, anyone who jumps onboard in the next 7 days will qualify, even if it’s 5000! Just don’t tell my accountant!! The 50 countdown will start on Saturday 21st Feb.

So if you struggle with the quantity or quality of your sleep, have this with my compliments and start to enjoy great sleep. Do you remember how good that feels?

Also, feel free to send the link to all your friends who you think might enjoy better sleep. It’s good to share.

http://www.markdarlington.com/sleep.html

To your better sleep!
Mark

PS. I’ve tried to cover every base in the course but would be interested to hear how different people specifically struggle with their sleep. Just to make sure! You can send me a private message if you like or leave a comment below.

The Transparent Hypnotist – 10 Questions

I was interviewed recently by the delightful Ellie Blunt for her weekly “10 questions” feature. 

You can see the results on her site here http://theunwindingpath.com/transhypno/category/10-questions/

Enjoy! 

I have so much content to upload to this blog over the next few days. Bookmark the site or subscribe to the RSS feed to be first to benefit.

Until next time

Mark

How to Get a Good Nights Sleep – Positive Habits Radio Show 21.09.2008

Well I haven’t worked out how to upload the audio from the show yet, it’s not liking mp3s, but I do have the transcript of the main part of the Positive Habits Show from Sunday 21st September 2008.

Enjoy and I hope you get some use out of it.

“Positive Habits with Mark Darlington”

MARK DARLINGTON, HOST: And so we move onto the final part of this week’s Positive Habits show, and this really is the pivotal positive habit of all positive habits. If you can crack this one, it’s going to give you so much more clarity of mind, so much more energy to achieve the other positive habits that you want in your life and it’s the positive habit of getting a really good night sleep.

Positive Habits Radio Show

As well as running 2 busy Clinical Hypnotherapy practices in Ewloe, Flintshire and Ruthin, Denbighshire I’ve just started a Radio Show for Wrexham FM www.wrexhamfm.com It runs every Sunday from 7pm to 9pm and is repeated on a Wednesday from 1pm til 3pm.

This is really exciting for me as it enables me to indulge my 2 passions;

• Personal Well-being
• Radio

Here is the official write up for the show;

“Positive Habits” with Mark Darlington

 This show is all about you and your wellbeing.

We all have habits; make yours positive ones.

Each week Mark shares a “life coping” tool as well as inviting you to experiment with tips, tricks, exercises and techniques to bring out the best in yourself and others. His natural ability to see the best in you and help you feel good about yourself translates into compelling radio that will leave you feeling energized and positive.

Listen to Mark’s show to gain insights and tools to take charge of your emotional life. Whether you suffer from a known condition or simply want to better understand yourself, this is your “mental tune-up” hour.

Mark’s show is both entertaining and enlightening, filled with practical, no nonsense tips to help you create the life and health you desire and deserve.

Having trained with personally with Paul McKenna, Mark Darlington is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, Coach, Trainer, Friend and Creative Catalyst to celebrities, businesses and people like you who want to get more out of life – even if you’re not quite sure what that is yet. Mark’s remarkable insights and talent for communicating mean that he is regarded as one of the leading authorities on the power of your mind.

As you listen each week you’ll find yourself making remarkable progress on the most important aspects of your life.

Stop dreaming about a great life and start living it with “Positive Habits”.

If you have a specific subject or life challenge you would like Mark to discuss during the show you can email him at mark@markdarlington.com  All emails are treated in strict confidence and your anonymity it assured at all times.

I’m hoping I can either post the audio from each show here for you to listen to and/or a transcript of each show.

Listen this Sunday (28th September) for the main topic which is “10 Simple Steps to Prepare You to be a Healthy Non Smoker, Forever”

www.markdarlington.com

Busy, busy but I’m back!

Wow…………… so much happening but I’m back to share so much more with you now.

The past few weeks have been amazing. As well as running busy Clinical Hypnotherapy practices in Ewloe, Flintshire and Ruthin, Denbighshire I’ve been working on several projects that I can now share with you.

I will be hosting a new Radio Show from Sunday 21st September (7pm to 9pm) on www.wrexhamfm.com You can find the full details and schedule there. Thanks to John Humberstone, Roy Norry and the team for allowing me to combine 2 of my passions Radio and Personal Wellbeing.

The Show is called “Positive Habits” and will be all about you and your well being. 

It will also be available as a podcast via iTunes (I have just over a week then to work out the technicalities of uploading, tagging, formatting etc). 

I’m also really proud to have been asked to speak at Flintshire Business Week 2008.

I’ll be speaking on Wednesday 1st October at the Beaufort Park Hotel near Mold between 7.30 and 9.15am. It’s part of a Ladies Networking Breakfast and sponsored by Network She.

Here’s the write up;

“Reignite your passion……………for business”

 You know how individuals and Businesses sometimes get stuck in a rut and can’t seem to find a way out? Whether that be with self motivation, work/life balance, employee morale or how to increase clients and profits during tough times. In fact I’m sure there are many more ways you can think of to get stuck.

Well, what Mark does is instills rapid and permanent changes using a range of tools and techniques to overcome all these issues and more. Let Mark help you reconnect you and your business to the very things that caused you to be so passionate about what you do at the outset of your journey.

Join Mark and Network She for an entertaining, interactive, impactful and informative session. Reignite your passion for yourself and your business and enjoy reaping the rewards of your transformation. Spend just 45 minutes with Mark and see immediate benefits.

You can see the full programme for Flintshire Business Week 2008 here

Network She is a fantastic organisation that bring together like minded professional women from across North Wales and the North West who want to expand their professional and social circles.

You can find out more about Network She at www.networkshe.co.uk

I’ve been working on 2 new websites too which will be packed full of free information and tips. One is a generic well being site to link in with the “Postive Habits” Radio Show the other is based around my speciality which is anxiety related disorders (panic attacks, anxiety, stress, depression). Both should be online in the next week or so and I’ll give you the website addresses then. 

I’ve also been busy writing and I have a big batch of tips to share with you over the coming days.

 

Until next time.

Be Well
Mark

www.markdarlington.com  

A Change is as good as a rest

As humans beings (get ready for a sweeping generalisation) we don’t like change. It takes us out of the familiar as well as our comfort zones. Sometimes it even takes a little bit, or a lot, of effort.

I came across a short piece of work by Portia Nelson the other day, it made me smile. Although I wouldn’t normally do this, I wanted to share it with you.

It’s called “An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”.

Chapter One

I walk down the street.
There’s a crack in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless. 
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately. 

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street.
There is a hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.

Now, my smile was a wry one. I see these patterns often with my clients, but they’ve never made it to Chapter Four. They wouldn’t be clients if they had. They normally call me whilst in the middle of Chapter Three, but not quite at the end. It’s like living Chapter Three as Groundhog Day without ever getting to the “I get out immediately stage”.

Even though it’s a horrible, debilitating place to be it’s a “familiar” place and that can be all it takes to prevent change.

Yes……….. I know change might feel scary to people right now. I also know that if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.

Change or no change, you decide.

If it’s change, I’d love to hear about it.

Until next time
Mark

www.markdarlington.com